Today has been a rough day for me...
I keep coming across news of friends/relatives/people I know who are pregnant, and, although I am SOOOOOOOO happy for them, I can't help but think about how I should be entering my second trimester with our little one. In fact, I would have been 13 weeks pregnant this past Friday.
So, I start feeling sorry for myself, start feeling this immense guilt that I somehow did something to cause the baby's heart to stop, start feeling jealousy over those people who get to experience the joy of listening to their little one's heart. Then, I get upset at myself for even letting those thoughts enter my head. How dare I feel jealous? I mean, I have an AMAZING little miracle sleeping in his crib upstairs as I write this, and he is the joy of my life. And, you know, in my heart, I want those people to be able to experience the same love that I get to feel every day from my child. Soon, they will get to hold a little miracle in their arms, just as David and I have. I have no reason to be jealous!! Absolutely no reason at all!!
As I have said all along, though, the sadness just comes out of nowhere sometimes. It literally hits me like a brick wall. It knocks the wind out of me. It takes all my power to stop myself from hysterically crying. It doesn't get any easier, no matter how much times has passed.
More than ever, I am trusting in the Lord, and the plan that He has for our family. I know there is a reason for this all to happen. I also know that those feelings for jealousy and guilt are simply the devil trying to work in my heart, trying to cause me to turn away from trusting God. I won't let that happen. I can't let that happen. There is absolutely no one in the world who can understand what I am feeling, and I can only depend on the love of my Eternal Father to comfort me. Please don't get me wrong: David has been AMAZING over the last 2.5 weeks. He has been so supportive, loving, and caring. And, we have appreciated all of the text messages, visitors, emails, and phone calls that we have received...more than we could ever put into words. And, personally, I have appreciated the conversations with friends who have also lost their little ones. They have brought me more comfort than I can express. But, no matter how many of those conversations I have, this experience has been my own. It's different from everyone else's, and I have to deal with all the emotions and the loss in my own way: by trusting in the Lord and depending on my relationship with him.
(I promise that there won't be many depressing blogs in the future, and I am not going to constantly bring up what happened. Today has just been an exceptionally rough day, and I needed to get out some of what I have been feeling inside.)
Before I go, I want to quickly share a "God-thing" that has happened recently. (I don't like to say things are coincidences because I think that God has control over every situation. So, that's what I mean by a "God-thing.) Anyway, a few days after the miscarriage, I knew that I wanted to do something to remember our angel baby. I absolutely love the website Etsy.com, so I started my search there. I found an amazing woman who makes custom remembrance jewelry, and I immediately placed my order. On Saturday, my jewelry arrived:
The green gem is Grayson's birthstone, while the butterfly and pearl symbolize our sweet angel. Here's the God thing: several years ago, I decided on a whim one night to get a tattoo. A friend and I went to the store, and I searched through books and books of designs. I must have looked through 1000 options, but my eye kept coming back to the same picture. I had recently been through one of the most life-changing times in my entire life...I felt like I had been transformed into a new, more independent person. The tattoo I chose: a butterfly.
But, so what? I got a butterfly tattoo, and now I have a butterfly on my necklace. Butterflies are everywhere. What makes that a "God-thing"? Well, the butterfly on my foot and the butterfly on my necklace are almost identical. It's uncanny. Now, every time I catch a glimpse of my tattoo or my necklace, I am reminded that God has a plan for me--that He is in control of all the happenings in my life, and He has been for my entire life! THAT'S the ultimate comfort to me.
Thank you again SO MUCH for your thoughts, prayers, emails, texts, and phone calls. They mean so very much to David and I. We love you all!
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