How can I even put into words all that I am feeling inside? How do you describe what it feels like to literally have your heart ripped out of your chest? How do you explain the moment that changes your life forever?
Not a lot of people know, but David and I found out on December 8, 2010 that we were expecting Baby Bledsoe #2. I will admit that, at first, we felt more overwhelmed than excited. Don't get me wrong...we were THRILLED, but we knew that our life was about to completely change with two babies who would be born almost exactly 1 year apart. Over the next couple of weeks, though, we both became very excited. We began making plans, began looking at houses, checked into daycares, and planned our future as a family of 4. Just as any new parents do, David and I talked about the future with anticipation and pure joy. We had decided to wait to spread the news to the world until after the first trimester was over, and we anxiously counted down the days until we could shout our happiness from the mountain tops.
On my first doctor visit, the pregnancy was confirmed with an ultrasound, and I was told to come back in 2 weeks to confirm that the baby was growing the way it should. So, at about 7 weeks pregnant, we made our way to the office, and were overjoyed to see our sweet little one on the screen. He/She had a strong beating heart, 2 little arm buds, and 2 little leg buds. We scheduled the c-section for August 15, 2011. In fact, baby #2 would be born just 3 days after Grayson's first birthday! I must have stared at that ultrasound picture for hours. I couldn't believe I was going to be a mom again!
The next few weeks were filled with nausea and feeling extremely tired. I felt much more sick with our newest little one than I ever did with Grayson. I spent most of my free time falling asleep on the couch and exclaiming to David how crappy I felt. I began noticing more aches and pains here and there, and I chalked them up to the fact that I was pregnant again, less than 4 months after having Grayson. After all, everything seemed to be going so well! I continued working full-time (probably a little more than normal), and was looking forward to our appointment on February 1, when I would get to hear that sweet little heartbeat again. Unfortunately, that appointment wouldn't go as planned.
The week of January 24 was one of the most stressful weeks I have ever had. Work was absolutely insane, the wintery weather once again hampered my plans for the week, and some other drama had me feeling more sick than normal. But, by that Friday, I felt that I had finally overcome all the stress, and I was feeling great. I dropped Grayson off at Parents' Day Out, and headed to see one of my clients. It was turning out to be a great day, and I was looking forward to heading home to spend time with Grayson and David (since he had taken the night off). Then, at around 1:00pm, my whole life changed.
I took a quick bathroom break (and had planned on making a phone call, actually). As I went to flush the toilet, I saw several droplets of red. Then, I looked at the toilet paper, and saw lots more. I was bleeding...there was no denying it. Because I was in Jackson, I called my mom to come get me, packed up my things, and ran out the door. I called David, and was able to stay pretty calm. I called the doctor, and they told me to come in. Then, I lost it. I called my Dad, and I could not stop crying. I can't even describe the amount of fear that I was feeling at the moment. All I knew was that bleeding was bad. Very bad.
Mom and I were silent on the drive back to Memphis, and I prepared myself for the worst. When we arrived at Dr. Dewane's office, I just knew in my heart that something was terribly wrong. Mom stayed in the waiting room with Grayson, while David and I headed into the ultrasound room. Tracy (one of my favorite nurses) began the ultrasound, and I remember that she told us not to worry. She tried her hardest to make us feel okay with everything, but we were both terrified. She started the ultrasound, and I immediately could see our baby on the screen....but his/her heart wasn't beating. Then, Tracy said the words I will never forget, "Everything is not okay."
I don't remember much of what happened for the rest of the appointment, but I remember her telling us that our little baby measured 9 weeks 2 days old (and I was supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant that day). Our sweet, precious gift from God had not survived. I remember Dr. Dewane letting us know that we would have to have a d&c as soon as possible (since I was almost into the second trimester), and I remember crying uncontrollably into David's chest. I was numb, yet my heart literally ached. It was an intense pain that I can't describe.
We left the office, and headed home. I made a few phone calls, and tried to focus on Grayson grinning at me from his car seat. Dr. Dewane called to tell us we needed to be at the hospital at 7:00am the next day for surgery. We made plans for Grayson to stay with my parents that night, and I busied myself with getting him ready to go. Although we both had our moments of overwhelming grief, David and I tried our best to focus on the blessings that surrounded us. It was hard...harder than I can ever explain...but we relied on each other when we felt our weakest.
I won't go into details about the procedure on Saturday. It was one of the hardest days of our lives. We tried to keep a smiles on our faces, but it wasn't easy. How could we smile when we knew that I would soon be empty inside?
Since that Friday, life is completely different. I can only speak for myself, but I am sure that David is feeling the same. Most times, I feel okay. Physically, recovering from the miscarriage has been relatively easy. I am able to overlook the pain, mostly because I don't want to focus too long on why I am even in pain. But then, out of no-where, this huge amount of sadness just hits me. Its literally overwhelming. It knocks the wind out of me, and all I can do is give in to the tears and the pain. I was told probably 20 times that the miscarriage was not a result of anything I did. That I couldn't have stopped it, just like I couldn't have caused it. Although in my head I know that's true, I cannot seem to shake the feeling that I have not only shattered my dream, but the dreams of my husband and our families. Grandparents had been dreaming about their future grandchild. Aunts and Uncles had been dreaming about their future niece or nephew. The little one growing inside me was already soooooooooo loved.
Having Grayson with us through everything has been so wonderful. He has helped to ease our sadness, and he has a way of making us smile through the tears. David has been so supportive and strong through the last several days. He allows me to cry to him, he wraps his arms around me when I need his strength, and he has taken care of me through the post-surgery recovery. He is amazing.
For now, we are doing okay. We will never forget our little one that we never got to meet, and we will always love our son or daughter that was with us for only a short amount of time. We know that we are not the only family who has ever been touched by miscarriage, and, although we appreciate knowing that we are not alone, we are grieving in our own way, on our own timeline. I know that some days will be easier than others, and I know that the pain will never completely go away. We are trusting in the Lord, and know that his plans are greater than any plans we could ever make. He has absolute control over all that happens in our lives, and we know that He would not cause us any pain in vain. And, one day, we hope that He will bless us with another one of His children to call our own.
