**I am by no means an expert parent, nor do I claim to be. In the short time of my "mommyhood", though, I have found that asking other parents questions is one of the BEST ways to learn tricks of the trade. This is simply by way of dispersing information that I have found helpful.**
I have gotten several questions in the past couple days (both here and on Facebook) about getting Finnley to sleep through the night, and it got me thinking: what are some things that I wish I had known before I became a mom? What were the questions that I most asked other moms? So, I thought a little Mommy 101 post might be helpful today. Oh, and please remember, this may not work for everyone, but it's what worked for us.
How did you get your kids to sleep through the night?
We have been very blessed in this department. Our kids are both great sleepers: Finnley was born that way, but Grayson was much harder. When Grayson was 6 weeks old, the doctor told us that he weighed enough that he could sleep at least 7 hours without needing to eat. Therefore, he was big enough that it was time to start teaching him that he didn't need to eat in the middle of the night anymore. Honestly, I wasn't ready for this step. I didn't want to hear my baby wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I mean, maybe he didn't need to eat in the middle of the night, but, if he was hungry, then I wasn't going to just let him cry. But, that's the thing: I didn't understand that he really wasn't hungry...he was just waking up out of habit.
- First: I had been writing down every little thing Grayson did all day long for weeks so that I could start getting him on a schedule. Becuase of this tracking, I knew that the best time to put Grayson down for the night was when he was tired but not so tired he fought sleep. For Grayson, this time was about 6:15pm-6:30pm. Yes, that seems early but remember: sleep brings on sleep. Anyway, we started the teaching process on the weekend. (And, if you decide to follow what we did, I recommend starting this during a week when you don't have anything big going on...trust me, you WILL lose sleep during this process, but it will be so worth it. Just don't start on a week when there is no way you can function on little to no sleep). The first night, whenever Grayson woke up crying, we went into his room every 5 minutes, loved on him, shushed him, and then left the room. NO picking him up, NO rocking him...just letting him know we were still there and that we loved him. As I said, we went in every 5 minutes until he stopped crying. The next night, we went in every 10 minutes whenever he woke up crying. The third night (and every night after), we went in every 15 minutes. By the fourth night, he was able to put himself back to sleep much easier. In fact, there were several nights where he woke up, whimpered, and went right back to sleep.
- Second: Along with sleep training, we also changed his feeding schedule. Because we put him down every night around 6:30pm, he could only technically go until 1:30am (7 hours later) without eating! That wouldn't work for sleeping through night! So, we would still give him his feeding before bed, then I would go into his room around 10:00pm or so and dream feed him. (At this time, he was usually eating around every 4 hours). I wouldn't give him a full feeding, but just enough that he wouldn't wake up thinking he was hungry. **Let me back up just a little: along with telling us that Grayson was big enough that he could go 7 hours, the doctor also told us that we needed to be careful not to overfeed him. The most he should have been eating was 30 ounces each day. SO, I didn't give him a full feeding because I didn't want to go over that 30 ounce mark.** Then, he could sleep until 5:00am the next morning without eating. If he woke up, we would go in the room, just like I described above. In the morning, I would give him another partial feeding (just enough that he would go back to sleep for a few hours). Every few days, I would give him less foruula at night and feed him a little later each morning. Before we knew it, he was sleeping from 6:30pm to 6:30am every day!!
Please don't get me wrong. This was HARD. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I hated laying in bed or sitting outside of his room listening to him cry. He was so little! But, believe me, it was sooo worth it. He now sleeps for almost 12 hours every night!
Finnley has been different. She has been able to pretty much self-soothe herself since the day she came home. I think this is due a lot to the fact that she has had to cry while we stop Grayson from doing something he's not supposed to, or feed him, or something. Also, I think she just has a different temperment. She is much more easy-going than Grayson. With Finnley, we haven't had to let her cry it out. She only wakes up in the middle of the night if she is gassy or if she has turned in her crib so that her head is against the rail. BUT, we have done the dream feed. And, at 2 months old, she is consistently sleeping 8-9 hours solid each night.
Do you feel guilty not breastfeeding?
This is one of the most common questions that people ask me, especially many of the staff members that I work with. And, honestly, yes I did. There are so many images and statements bombarding new moms about the importance of breastfeeding and how it is best for the child. And, yes, that is true. As a result, I felt an intense feeling of failure when I stopped breastfeeding Grayson. It was like I was failing as a mom! Here I was, stressing over the fact that I wasn't producing enough milk, that I was having to pump while I was driving down the road between clients, and that my son just wasn't getting enough to eat! But, I couldn't continue. It just was too much. I had to make myself realize that I was not a bad mom--Grayson could tell that I was stressed and it affected both of us. Feeding my son formula made both of us more happy, and made our family life happier. That was worth it to me.
With Finnley, I breasfed for 4 weeks, and then I couldn't continue thanks to her reflux and a sudden drastic drop in my milk supply. Finnley was miserable because she wasn't getting enough to eat, and I was miserable because she was literally eating 24/7. Now that she is on half AR and half Gentlease (and some medication) she is a totally different kid.
So, no, I don't feel guilty.
How are you losing the baby weight?
I am doing Weight Watchers online. It worked after my second pregnancy, and I am hoping it will work again after this pregnancy! Don't expect your body to ever be the same, though. I was lucky enough to get back to my pre-baby weight very quickly after Grayson without doing a thing---but I still had a poochy stomach, fat legs, and none of my clothes fit the way they had before I got pregnant. Babies stretch and pull our insides and outsides in more ways than we realize. But, I wouldn't trade my two angels for a perfect bikini body anyway.
How do you discipline your kids?
This is a tough question for me. After all, I have a doctorate degree in behavior. I live, breathe, and sleep behavior modification thanks to being on-call for my job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Behavior is a part of my life. BUT, that doesn't mean that our kids behave perfectly. In fact, Grayson has been labeled as one of the "trouble-makers" at his school. Yes, Grayson is the bad kid, the handfull, the problem child. UGH. At almost 19 months, some of the behaviors we have seen are typical...they are just a bit to the extreme. Grayson hits, takes toys, throws tantrums, bites, and is aggressive to other kids, his teachers, and us. In the past few months, I have learned that there is no magic discipline trick when it comes to your own child. You just have to do what works for him. In our house, time-out has been effective. When Grayson misbehaves, we warn him once, telling him "No, you don't ________. If you ______ again, you will have to go to time-out." If he does the behavior again, we count to 3, then immediately tell him he is going to time-out. Because he is so little and doesn't quite understand the concept of having to sit still, we put him in his crib. I don't love that we use his crib as the time-out spot, but it's what we have to do for now. Once he is just a little bit older, we will have a time-out chair that he will sit in. We don't say anything to him, put him in his crib, and immediately walk out of the room. He stays in time-out for 2 minutes, and, once he is calm, we walk in, tell him why he went to time-out and that we love him. That's it. So far, it has proven to be effective at calming him down and helping him to learn that there are consequences for his behavior. It also helps that this is the same technique that use at his school. It doesn't always stop the behavior from happening again, but we know that we must be consistent.
I also do a lot of ignoring. Grayson has this new squeeling behavior. He will scream at the top of his lung in a high-pitched, ear piercing scream. It is soooooooooooooo annoying. And he LOVES to do it in public...especially in stores and restaurants. At home, if he does this (or something similar) I ignore. Yes, it gets louder and even more annoying. When he stops and tries to get my attention appropriately, then I give him tons of praise. This way, he will learn that Mommy will not talk to him, no matter how loud he screams. It has worked quite well. Of course, I can't ignore in the grocery store. So, when he does it there, we either try to redirect him (asking him questions but saying nothing about his screaming) or we immediately leave. Either way, no attention is given for his screaming.
Believe me, he still has his bad days, but I think that just comes with having a toddler. Oh, and teamwork is imperative. Mommy and Daddy MUST be on the same page, no matter what type of discipline you choose to use.
How do you and your husband stay connected?
This is the hardest thing about having kids. And, David and I haven't done a very good job of making our relationship a priority since having Finnley. In all honesty, we have just been in survival mode for the last eight weeks. But, now that we have started in a routine (and I am not falling asleep on the couch
anymore as often), we use the time after the kids go to bed as "our time." Usually, this means making dinner together, crawling into our bed, turning on our DVR, and just spending time together. We also try to make the most of the little moments: driving together in the car, talking on the phone, etc. And, we remember that we have to have time to ourselves, too. David does things by himself while I have the kids, and vice versa. We realize that, in order to keep our sanity, we just need to be away sometimes. Another thing that helps is that my mother-in-law and my parents are very eager to watch the kids if David and I need to have a night out together. And alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. HA! Just kidding.
Those are the most commonly asked questions I hear. I hope my answers are helpful!! Please feel free to ask anymore if you have them. Like I said, asking other moms is THE BEST way that I have learned to get the never-ending questions I have answered.
P.S. This book is also a lifesaver:
It's available in paperback and on the Nook. I can't tell you how many times I have used it (especially when I am awake worrying in the middle of the night.)
