I just attempted to write a whole post about Ally's birthday party, but I don't have enough storage space on my account to upload pictures. So.....that post will have to wait for now. But, it will come soon, I promise!
Anyway, it's been another crazy several days in our house. It feels like more often than not that I blink and another week has gone by. In about 10 days, our little munchkin is going to be 8 months old...I absolutely cannot believe he is so grown already. He brings such joy to our life every day, and I absolutely adore all the little moments that I get to share with him. He is a ball of energy, and is constantly on the go. He plays by himself so well, but he also loves when Mommy and Daddy play with him. He is into everything, and he constantly smiles...seriously. We have been soooooooo blessed with Grayson!
I have been sad this week, though, and I can't seem to shake it. I feel like I have been doing pretty well with dealing with our miscarriage, but this week has just been especially tough. I have been dreading this week for a while (and I am absolutely dreading August 15: the date of the c-section that we had already scheduled). You see, this is the week that we would have gone in for our 20 week ultrasound and found out if we were having another precious baby boy, or if we would be the parents to a sweet baby girl. As I said yesterday, this week should have been filled with excitement and anticipation....but, it's not. I am trying so hard to focus on the fact that God is in control of this situation, and I know in my heart that He will never leave me. I remind myself mulitiple times a day that our little baby is in Heaven, being loved on by Jesus, and all our friends and family who have already passed on. That brings more comfort to me than anything else. Despite that, though, I can't help but think about our little one. He or she is constantly on my mind each day. The hopes and dreams that we had for our little family have changed. And, that kind of change is especially hard.
Deep down, though, I am scared...terrified. We want so badly to have another child, and, thankfully, I have never had a hard time getting pregnant. But, what if, after the miscarriage and everything that has happened to my body as a result and since then, we can't have another child? Unfortunately, this is a very real possibilty...and it scares me to death. Believe me, I know how blessed we are to have Grayson....and I thank God for him every. single. day. I know that there are many families out there who struggle to have babies and can't. And, I certainly don't mean to sound like our situation is any worse than theirs...I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster they face each day. I guess I am just still trying to process and heal from the hurt that comes with losing a child. Honestly, it's the hardest thing I have ever done.
I am going to leave you with a quote that I found the other day that I have been repeating to myself when I feel espcecially sad. It reminds me that I need to focus on the here and now, rather than the what ifs. After all, my life is pretty darn grand...and I love it.
"Let go of what you think life should be so you can experience the life you have."
Thank you for checking in with us. I will make my next post not so depressing. :)
We sure do love each of you!
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