His plans are not our own

I’ve been thinking a lot about our baby lately—sometimes the sadness still overwhelms me, while, other times, I find myself longing to know who she would have been.  I dream about when I will get to meet her in Heaven, and I am so thankful that she didn’t have to experience any of the hurt and pain that come with living on Earth.  For eternity, she will only know love and joy.   David and I don’t talk about her much—even 2 years later, I think the sadness is too strong, the wound is too fresh.   And, I don’t think either of us wants to seem ungrateful for the 2 amazing miracles that we already have.  I remember in the days after the miscarriage, when I wanted to just curl up in my bed and shut out the world, Grayson was the reason I had the strength to keep on living.  He didn’t know it then, and he still doesn’t now, but he is my protector—he kept away the sadness just enough that it didn’t completely overtake me.  And, more often than not, he continues to keep it away, even today. Then, sweet Finnley—I am not sure if I can put into words all that she has done for her Mommy in the last 23 months.  As I have said before, she was a spitfire from the moment she was conceived.  Even today, she takes my breath away with the size of her personality and the depth of her love.  Through Finnley, I have seen that God’s plans truly are greater than ours. He kept Finnley just for David and I, and He gave her to us when we needed her most.  No one could ever replace our Angel.  No one.  But, we also wouldn’t have had our sweet Finn, if the Lord hadn’t decided to keep our Angel for himself.   His plans are so much greater than our own. 

As I think of how His plans have worked for me, I can’t help but think about David.  When I was younger, I dreamt of my future husband and family, just as every little girl does.  I remember looking at my mom and wondering if I would be like her.  As I got older, moved to Tennessee, and began seriously dating guys, I would always ask, “Is this who God has picked for me?”  When I fell in love, I fell completely, and I fell hard.  And I would always end up heartbroken.  Then, in January 2004, I fell in love with my best friend, Daniel, and I thought for certain God’s plan was finally coming together.  I changed my wishes to finish graduate school in Nashville, and I moved to Memphis in July 2005 to start a life with him. 

Fast forward to January 2007, and I was sitting alone in the empty apartment that Daniel and I had shared just days before.  He was thousands of miles away (on another continent) and I was left to try and piece my life back together.  It was in that time that the Lord taught me independence.  For my entire life, even when I didn’t want to admit it, I had depended on someone else for things—but mostly to make me feel loved.  When Daniel left, I didn’t have anyone else to depend on but myself.  So, over the next year, I had adventures, I travelled, I made mistakes, I found life-long friends, I lived by myself, and I fell in love with Esther.  I continued spending my days teaching children with Autism, just as I had been the first week I moved to Memphis in July 2005.  The families who invited me into their homes became my families, and I learned more during that time that I could have ever thought possible.  It was one of those dear families who introduced me to David one sunny afternoon in April 2008. 

See what I mean about God’s plan?  WOW!  What seems to me like the most topsy-turvy-backwards-upside-down path is really a straight line along God’s path for my life.  Before I was even born, He had already planned my life.  He already knew the pain I would suffer and the joys I would celebrate, the heartaches and the happiness, the ups and the downs.  He knew, and all He wanted was for me to look to Him in all of it. I feel like the Lord is getting ready to do big things in my life.  I am not exactly sure what those things are, but I have felt him moving lately.  He has been speaking to me more than ever before (or is it that I’m listening more than ever before)?  I have a stirring inside me that is full of energy, but I am not yet sure where to focus it most.  I am so excited to see what comes of this and what God has in store.  Looking back over my life, He has never let me down and He has never left my side.