Dear Finnley...

My dear Finnley Elizabeth,

I sit here tonight, the night before your first birthday, a ball of emotions.  One year ago today, I was packing my bag and heading to bed so I could get up at 3:30am the next morning to meet you.  I remember how excited I was that night: I was finally going to meet my daughter.  For almost 10 months, I had dreamed about this moment.  I had waited with such aniticipation for the instant that I would lay eyes on you, hold you in my arms, and kiss those sweet cheeks.  For even longer than that, though, I had waited for the day I would be a mom to a girl.  I guess there is just something about a mother and daughter relationship.  Your Grandma and I always have had the type of relationship where we talk 100 times a day about nothing.  I couldn't wait to have a daughter of my own and have that same relatioship with her. 

To say that your Daddy and I had prayed for you...well, that's an understatement.  Just a short time earlier, our hearts had been shattered when your older brother or sister went to live with Jesus.  Honestly, we weren't sure we were ever going to be able to get over that loss.  I remember how scared I was the day that I took the pregnancy test and found out you were on your way.  Of course, I was excited, too, but I was overwhelmingly scared.  The miscarriage left me with feelings of failure as a mom--that I had done something wrong and caused our baby to die--and I didn't want to let you down, too.  But, sweet girl, you were a force to be reckoned with from the moment you were conceived, and I soon learned that I had not a thing to fear.

I often joke and say that you have always been high maintenance...and I suppose it's not entirely a joke.  For 39 weeks and 4 days, I was sick as a dog.  (Well, except for that 1 week, week 30, when I thought I finally had relief.)  There were so many nights that I would simply eat cereal because I couldn't keep anything else down--and then I would end up running to the bathroom anyway.  I lost almost 10 pounds the first trimester and struggled to put on any weight my entire pregnancy.  I had 4 ultrasounds in the first 9 weeks because you were sitting so low that I kept having miscarriage scares.  And the headaches--oh girl, you gave your Mama some doozies.  In fact, we ended up in the hospital around 29 weeks because I was so sick from a migraine.  But, true to form, you scared us once again when your heartrate spiked to 200bpm and would not slow down.  (I think you must have been getting us ready for many moments in our future when you will scare us to death, as your Daddy and I did our parents.)  But, finally FINALLY, after all the drama of pregnancy, January 6 arrived, and it was time to meet you. 

You screamed before the doctor even pulled you out of my stomach.  I remember hearing that sweet cry, and feeling a rush of relief and immense love wash over me.  You were here.  My daughter was here.  This precious little girl was here.  And she was mine.  It was love at first sight, Finnley.

Since that day, my love for you has only multiplied.  We have had a special bond from the moment I heard your cry, and that closeness has only increased in the last 365 days.  And, honey, you are so so so loved by the men in your life.  Your Daddy and brother are going to protect you from whatever it is that the future holds for you...but, I don't think they will have to, because you are quite the fighter already.  I love to watch you wrestle with Grayson, dance to your dad's singing, run to me when I walk in the house, follow Grayson around the house just laughing and yelling, watch you snuggle with your Daddy in the rocking chair, and hear you say "Mama" in that precious voice of yours.  You amaze me with how smart and independent you are already.  If you are mad, you let us know by trying to fling yourself out of our arms and onto the floor--and you have done that since you were 1 week old.  You know what you want, and you want nothing less.  That is just one of the many qualities I love about you. 

You have brought us so much joy.  You have only increased the love in our family.  And, honestly, you have mended our broken hearts.  Finnley, you saved us.  I still miss our sweet Angel each and every day, but I also know that God saved you specifically for us--you were hand-picked to be our daughter--I see that in your eyes.  I am so so grateful for you. 

Mommy and Daddy love you so much, Finn.  We can't wait to celebrate your birthday with you!