It's been one year....365 days. And not a day has gone by that I don't think about January 28, 2010. I've been dreading the anniversary of that day for months--and my heart is breaking all over again.
One year ago today, we found out that the sweet little blessing growing inside of me had not survived. It's heart had stopped beating, and it had stopped growing. The hopes and dreams that we had for our child were shattered in a split second...my life changed forever in that moment.
In the past year, David and I have been blessed beyond measure. We have an amazing 17-month-old son, a beautiful baby daughter, and a sparkling new house. We are both blessed with jobs that allow us to spoil our kids and ourselves, we drive new cars, and we want for nothing. Yet, my selfish self still longs to know what might have been.
David and I talked the other day about our angel baby. For some reason, we both think of it as a little girl. I was surprised to find that David felt the same way as I did about her, and it brought me some comfort. I often refer to Finnley as my special gift from God. She will never replace our Angel, and I don't want her to. But, I know that God gave us Finnley to let us know that He is in ultimate control. Sometimes I tell myself that our Angel was so special that He wanted to keep her in Heaven and not allow her to know the pain and hurt that can come from living on Earth. I know that He is holding our little one in his arms until it is time for us to meet her.
As I type this, our children are snuggled in their beds, warm and cozy, dreaming of things that only children dream of. My heart is full of love for them, and for my husband, my best friend. I know that I will continue to think of our Angel every day for the next year, and the year after that--she will always be a part of our family. And, our kids will know that they have another sibling who lives in Heaven. But, I am determined to focus on what is, the here and now, instead of what could have been. Only God knows the plans He has for our lives. I am trusting in that.
As always, thank you for checking in on us, and thank you for your continued love and support. We love you all!
